Trazodona + atarax atacuri de panica progress
As vrea sa impartasesc cu voi experienta mea si in acelasi timp sa va intreb daca a mai avut cineva o experienta ca a mea si cum v-ati descurcat ( presupun ca nu sunt singurul care a trecut prin asa ceva ) si in acelasi timp sa ma pot descarca, fiindca nu prea pot apela la prieteni si familie ( rit vechi si nu as vrea sa ii intristez ).
Am 27 de ani si de 8 ani sunt plecat prin strainatate ( in majoritatea timpului am lucrat ca specialist IT in afara de un an in care am fost purtat de colo colo fara nici un scop din job in job :) ).
Problema a inceput cu o stima de sine scazuta care a fost accentuata incercand sa ma compar si ceilalti si sa fac ceea ce faceau alti oameni mai adulti ( anturajul de serviciu bineinteles, eram singurul pusti de acolo ). Apoi incet, in vartejul drogurilor, m-am incarcat de probleme, financiare si emotionale care, la fel, s-au accentuat pana in momentul in care eram anxios, stresat, ura de sine, indiferent unde ma aflam ( atat in capitale europe cat si in periferii dubioase ), singur sau in context social. Am pierdut foarte multe persoane de calitate din cauza mlastinei care imi incetosa/incetoseaza gandurile, iar de curand am pierdut pe cineva si am spus stop. Am fost la psihiatru, am fost diagnosticat cu depresie majora in combinatie cu anxietate ( diagnosticat este un cuvant mare pentru ca doamna psihiatru nu prea parea ca acorda foarte mare atentie - ma aflu intr-o tara straina si tot consultul a fost facut cu ajutorul unei fatuci translator care parea mai anxioasa decat mine :). )
In fine, am inceput sa iau trazodona ( sunt la a 10-a zi ) plus atarax in cazul pentru ameliorarea anxietatii de zi cu zi ( 10 mg max 2 pe zi ). In acelasi timp am inceput si psihoterapie ( sunt la a 3-a sedinta saptamana viitoare ). In primele 6 7 zile de cand am inceput trazodona ( Trittico 75 mg o data pe zi la 18:00 ), primele 7 zile au fost extraordinare, nu imi aduc aminte sa fi fost fericit atatea zile la rand, gandeam mai limpede zambeam si ma simteam in general ok intre oameni, singurele dati cand am luat atarax erau cand o vedeam pe fosta la birou ( :( ) da, lucram impreuna, ura. Doamna psihoterapeut a ramas surprinsa si ma incurajat sa pastrez aceasta atitudine, cu afirmatia ca nu trazodona ci eu am facut aceasta schimbare. Constient de efectul placebo, si cufrica sa ma prabusesc iar din mlastina din care reusesc sa ma ridic, sa intamplat. In ultimele 3 zile, am simtit anxietate si nu doar, ci furie aproape necontrolata( atat contra mea si a celorlalti ), pumni inclestati, aceasi senzatie de neputiinta, gelozie pe fericirea celorlalti, dar merg inainte( incerc sa imi repet tot timpul ca o sa fie bine si o sa ma ridic ), dar nu poti purta tratative cu aceasta stare blestemata care mi-a mancat si imi mananca ani buni din cea mai frumoasa perioada a vietii. As vrea sa adaug jos un mic jurnal ( in engleza din pacate ) a progresului meu din ultimele 10 zile de cand am inceput medicatia.
Ar putea cineva sa imi spuna daca acest medicament cel putin ajuta dupa un anumit timp ( din cate am inteles anti depresivele mai intai iti induc o stare si mai anxioasa dupa care efectul benefic isi face incet aparitia ), totusi, as avea nevoie de opinia voastra, cu toate ca doamna psihiatru ma incredintat ca da o sa functioneze ( placebo iar ? )
Imi cer scuze pentru eventualul limbaj de lemn, limba mea materna a ajuns o a 2-a limba din pacate.
Va salut cu respect si imi cer scuze daca a mai fost postat. Jurnalul :
Last 7 to 8 years of my life. General overview, punch word : stress. Stressed and anxious, low self esteem, alone or socially. Stressed and anxious all over Europe. Resorted to drinking. Isolated moments of confidence and high self esteem. Stressed at work. Jealous of other people's happiness. Refused to admit I have a problem. Lots of opportunities lost. Developed narcissism with horrible mood swings, frustration and anger.
18 nov first day on the pill. Felt extremely tired, almost fell asleep at the gym. Ok to awkward interaction with other people. Angry and jittery
19 nov - morning was awful and hard to get out if bed. Vivid dreams. Day was excellent, anxiety started to appear after 6 pm. Mild. Felt positive most of the day
20 nov- morning was awful, hard to wake up, low anxiety throughout the day but persistent with high spikes around noon. Took Atarax, extremely sleepy after. Akward to ok interactions. Little worried about this sudden weight loss, stress maybe ?
21 nov - morning was good, woke up rested. Felt mostly positive throughout the day. Smiled and talked with people.
22 nov- awesome day, didn't sleep deep, woke up tired, had a great mood throughout the day
23 nov - again didn't sleep good, felt tired but not anxious at work. After work it got better, smiled and got hit on by a couple of girls. Felt positive the rest of the day. I think it's a record of how many days I've been not sad in a row.
24 nov - had home office, mood swings (minor ) throughout the day, not so outgoing, small anxiety, hard to concentrate
25 nov - small anxiety throughout the morning. Took an Atarax, felt better. Around 2 on anxiety returns. Nothing that can't be managed. Feeling energetic. Afternoon was fine, anxiety gone, had a nice workout. Feeling fine, quite positive
26 nov - day started with small anxiety, gradually increasing, still on track. Took an Atarax, feeling fine now. Day ended slightly better. Still anxious and hard to focus, still keeping myself on track. Not as bad as before.
27 nov - woke up during the night, couldn't sleep, felt anxious but not so much. Feeling if uneasiness. No Atarax. 17 37 after gym. Pissed off for no reason ( actually the reason is the stupidity and insecurity in my head ). Felt better walking and shopping. Maybe that's why women do it all the time...
28 nov - stress and anxiety since the morning, with small peaks of feeling ok. Atarax at 13:00. Couldn't sleep well. Fear also returned. Nothing un manageable, levels close to as before medication. Took a beer later, few sips, feeling very tired, heavy eyes but generally ok. No more anxiety (very mild) and generally in a decent mood. To add, anger and fist clenching throughout the day.
Editare : As vrea sa adaug ca acest medicament ( trazodona ) efectiv ma impiedica sa mai fuinctionez normal, dupa aproximativ 30 de minute de la doza, ma simt inutil, ochii se fac mici rosii si grei si ma apasa un somn greu, nu pot iesi in oras, nu pot face nimic seara, nu mai pot purta conversatii vreau doar sa dorm!
PS Ai un talent narativ deosebit, scrie cat mai mult si despre orice !
Atasez jurnalul. Si iata ca a si aparut motivul stresului ( fata cu care trebuia sa fiu impreuna si ne-am despartit din cauza unei probleme pe care eu am cauzat-o doar ce si-a facut aparitia in birou ). N-as vrea sa devin lacrimogen, dar e o greutate in plus. Scrisul se pare ca ajuta, asa ca am un jurnal cu mine in care ma descarc ori de cate ori e nevoie.
29 nov- day started fine. Started feeling anxious shortly after waking up, then it turned in to anger and feeling of hopelessness and loss of interest until later in evening when it turned ok. Staying on track
30 nov - morning was awful, stressed as usual, feeling of uneasiness and pain in the abdomen, blurry head couldn't think straight. Took an Atarax, where the day didn't go better, stressed and anxious throughout the morning. Afternoon, feeling better but still stressed. Evening : anger increased, actually only anger. Gym was fine, the start a little shaky and awkward conversations, after spinning endorphins kicking high, my mind is racing and I see everything more clear and I just want to roar. The office life is not for me.
1 st dec - morning started as usual, anxiety that turned to anger. Feeling of uneasiness and generally wanting to smash things. Around 11 situation better, actually feeling positive. Day progressed fine with low peaks, took an Atarax around 4 30 pm. Still not thinking as clear as I could. Great success. For the first time I can see the 6 pack!!!! Feeling calmer at bed time. Got nice looks from pretty girls :)
2 dec- morning started awkward, getting better and better towards actually feeling happy. Feels like a roller coaster of emotions. Early afternoon, slipping back in melancholy and small anxiety and impatience. Took Atarax. Late afternoon progressing to anger again.
3 dec- funny day, started ok then it went on a roller coaster of emotions, from positive to anxious helpless angry melancholic stressed. No Atarax. Afternoon and evening ended fine after counseling. Felt normal, no stress, clear minded.
4 dec- day started anxious but manageable. Then it progressed to better and normal even happy, then I went back to anxious. Day didn't get any better. Anxious and jumpy.
5 dec - day started anxious. Started to forget past days again and head is cloudy. Started to progress to better but still with a stress substrate. Couldn't sleep.
6 dec- day started less anxious than before even without sleeping. Then it started to get better once I was on the move. Then almost completely disappeared by evening. Sleep was nice and without negative thoughts.
7 dec- day started anxious, turned to rage and then took an Atarax. Slowly turned better, still stress and cloudiness but more energy, levels less than before. Anxiety still kicking strong
8 dec- day started anxious, able to regain slow control over my emotions during the morning. Afternoon and early evening is fine, slipping in melancholy day ended fine, able to regain control and maintain an overview. The problem seems to be always the start of the day, it starts anxious and stressed.
9 dec- day started anxious and stressed and by early noon it doesn't get any better. I think that if I'm happy in one day the next one will be bad. Like now. Uncontrollable stress and anxiety, cloudiness, uneasiness, difficulty talking with people, tired, why ?
10 dec- day started anxious and didn't et any better. Difficulty concentrating and noxious socially. Eventually turned better after therapy and sad and anxious ( not so much ) during the evening. I need to find ways to stop stressing myself.
Sunt atatea medicamente bune pe care poti sa le iei. Nu stiu de ce ti le-a dat tocmai pe astea. In locul tau as schimba dr. Iar daca nu ti-ai luat trazodona, mi se pare firesc sa se intample asa.
Am schimbat trazodona cu Citabax ( Citalopram ). Din pacate, lucrurile nu merg asa bine cum am sperat, tinand cont si de circumstante. Cuvantul cheie : furie + insomnie. In fiecare seara de o saptamana iau 10 mg Onirex ptr somn care nu mai functioneaza. Incepand din aceasta seara o sa incep cu 0.5 Xanax.
Va atasez jurnalul.
11 dec- day started less anxious and progressed eventually to anxiety and stress. I think I define the term anxiety wrong, what I feel is more stress and a feeling of uneasiness, dark thoughts for the future. Day went better and actually had a hearthy laugh in the evening.
12 dec- riding the euro city express feeling good. Feels like snowboarding a train at 100kmh. Haven't entered Germany yet. Stress present, night was with ups and downs, melancholy stress, but slowly going away. Feeling of uneasiness. Day progressing with mood swings stress calm and then stress. Day went with ups and downs. Feelings of uneasiness and loneliness combined with high energy and positive thoughts. Roller coasting not as steep as before.
13 dec- the day started jumpy but still calm. Feelings if anxiety and stress in the train, followed by anger in the evening. Atarax and food helped
14 dec-day was ok. Small melancholy and stress during the morning, then day progressed to better and ended ok and calm after gym. Ok interactions with people
15 dec- day in the office started and continues stressful. Took an Atarax and it went on a small roller coaster of emotions, not as bad as before. More calm. Mix of anger and loneliness and lack of vision with small sadness, then feeling positive. Day ended relatively fine and calm.
16 dec - day was good and stable. Small lows of melancholy and sadness. Stopped taking trazodone.
17 dec- first day without the medicine. Couldn't sleep, feeling stressed. Day went rough. Head aches, bad thoughts, surprisingly not that bad.
18 dec-slept well. Still having bad thoughts but can understand reality and accept it. Small feeling of uneasiness.anger in the afternoon. The rest relatively stable and confident.
19 dec- oscillating. Confident sad lonely and melancholic most of the day. Switched to anger in the night ( maybe because of alcohol )
20 - day started very early. Feeling mostly ok with a touch of melancholy. Relatively stable with quite the clear head. Slightly stressed.continuing to oscillate with anger and anxiety. No calming pills yet. Ended at ease after workout. Strange feelings during falling asleep, felt like hallucinating.
21 dec- morning was ok, then a couple of minutes later stress came. Took a lorazepam and been mildly sedated throughout the day. No emotions. Low energy
22 dec- woke up with low energy feeling confused. Had counseling, then a small chocolate. It tasted so good it felt like licking kfc of gods fingers. Increased appetite. Evening ended relatively fine. Felt sick(nauseous)
23 dec-couldn't sleep. Woke up fine, then melancholy and anxiety kicking in. Anxiety around noon also, feeling tired late afternoon, depression, feeling of hopelessness anger and suicidal thoughts as a way out. After gym, feeling a little better and calmer. Eating a lot again.
O zi placuta.
Merry Christmas !
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